There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting a dog in a stroller.
Older dogs get tired. Small dogs can’t always walk as far as their people. Injured dogs still deserve to get outside. And sometimes a stroller simply makes life easier.
We would never make fun of that.
But there is a line.
It’s a fine line somewhere between “This helps my dog enjoy our afternoon walk” and “I wonder if this thing would look better with chrome side pipes and a rear spoiler.”
Some people approach that line cautiously.
Others cross it in a tank.
So we started wondering what would happen if dog people customized their strollers the way people customize cars.
We probably shouldn’t have.
Here are 10 dog strollers for people who looked at perfectly functional wheels, handles and fabric and thought:
We can do better.
The Hot Rod
We should probably get the worst influence out of the way first.
Imagine a beautifully ridiculous dog stroller inspired by a classic hot rod.
Deep metallic paint. Oversized rear wheels. Polished chrome. An absurdly long nose that contains absolutely nothing useful. And running down either side, enormous chrome drag pipes that serve no purpose whatsoever.
Behind it is a man on rollerblades.
Naturally, he’s wearing a helmet and goggles.
So is the French Bulldog sitting inside.
Their helmets match.
The dog appears considerably more confident about the entire arrangement than he should.
There is probably a speedometer attached to the handlebar.
Nobody knows why.
The Hot Girl Walk
Some dog strollers are designed for elderly dogs.
This one appears to have been designed for leg day.
She arrives in immaculate high-end athleisure: sculpted sports bra, perfectly fitted leggings, oversized sunglasses, expensive sneakers and the sort of hair that somehow survives an entire workout without moving.
There is a very large insulated water bottle.
There is a smartwatch.
There are wireless earbuds.
There are lips that entered the park approximately three seconds before the rest of her.
And then there is the stroller.
Carbon-fibre frame. Performance wheels. Independent suspension. UV canopy. Phone mount. Cooling fan. Hydration storage. Possibly a tiny digital display tracking speed, distance and calories burned.
Sitting comfortably inside is approximately six pounds of dog.
The tiny creature wears a matching athletic vest and looks perfectly capable of walking.
That is completely beside the point.
This is not a dog walk.
This is a Hot Girl Walk.
The Off-Roader
Some dogs enjoy a leisurely walk through the park.
Apparently this one is preparing for the Dakar Rally.
The stroller sits ridiculously high on four enormous knobby tires with visible suspension, skid plates, auxiliary lights and enough ground clearance to traverse terrain that no sensible person would attempt while pushing a dog.
Its owner is dressed accordingly: technical hiking pants, boots, expensive outdoor jacket and perhaps a hydration pack.
Inside sits a tiny Yorkshire Terrier.
They’re on a perfectly maintained paved pathway.
But if conditions deteriorate suddenly, they’re ready.
The Lowrider
There is low.
And then there is why is the dog only three inches above the pavement?
This stroller rides on tiny gleaming wheels beneath a beautifully finished custom body in metallic candy paint.
The suspension has been lowered to a degree that makes absolutely no practical sense.
There may even be hydraulics.
The owner is casually pushing it along a sunny urban sidewalk wearing clothes that perfectly coordinate with the stroller.
Inside, a Chihuahua in sunglasses sits with one paw resting on the edge.
At a red light, the front corner of the stroller inexplicably rises.
Nobody reacts.
Apparently this happens all the time.
The Luxury Sedan
Not every dog wants horsepower.
Some prefer walnut.
This is the stroller for the dog who has decided that ordinary fabric upholstery simply isn’t acceptable anymore.
The interior is quilted leather. The trim is beautifully finished wood. There are polished metal details, a thick carpet beneath the dog’s paws and perhaps a tiny reading light.
The canopy operates silently.
Obviously.
An impeccably dressed older woman pushes it through an elegant shopping district while a perfectly groomed Pomeranian sits inside.
The dog has the unmistakable expression of someone who has never personally carried a bag.
The Aerodynamics Guy
Every hobby eventually attracts one person who becomes slightly too interested in reducing drag.
This stroller has been tested.
Possibly in a wind tunnel.
Its sleek body wraps tightly around a tiny Maltese. There are air intakes, aerodynamic wheel covers, a carbon-fibre shell and an enormous rear wing.
The owner wears cycling glasses and studies a small digital display mounted to the handle.
Perhaps he’s measuring speed.
Perhaps he’s monitoring wind resistance.
Perhaps none of this equipment is actually connected to anything.
The Maltese weighs nine pounds.
Together, they are capable of reaching nearly jogging speed.
The Country Club
Somewhere between the first tee and lunch on the patio, someone realized the golf cart was unnecessarily large.
The result is magnificent.
Cream bodywork. Deep green accents. Beautiful stitched upholstery. Polished wheels. A tiny basket on the back containing what appears to be a folded cashmere blanket.
The owner wears cream trousers, loafers and a green sweater draped casually over his shoulders.
His wire-haired terrier wears a matching green sweater.
The stroller might even have a tiny umbrella holder.
Neither of them has ever considered whether this is excessive.
The Homemade Special
This one wasn’t purchased.
He built it.
You can tell.
Not because it’s bad, exactly.
Because there are things attached to it that could only have resulted from standing in a garage late on a Saturday night and thinking:
You know what this needs?
There’s an enormous vintage steering wheel attached to the handle.
There are two rear-view mirrors.
A brass horn.
A bicycle speedometer.
Three gauges whose purpose remains unclear.
Possibly a small windshield wiper.
The owner wears driving gloves and old-fashioned goggles.
His Jack Russell Terrier has matching goggles.
Before crossing the street, the man carefully checks both mirrors.
They provide absolutely no useful view whatsoever.
The Tank
Eventually someone was going to do it.
Matte olive bodywork.
Tiny rubber tracks instead of wheels.
Protective guards around the sides.
Storage compartments.
A small spotlight.
Possibly an antenna.
A stocky English Bulldog sits proudly inside wearing an olive helmet while his owner pushes the contraption through one of the prettiest parks imaginable.
Children stare.
Adults stare.
Other dogs stare.
The Bulldog does not.
He has seen things.
The Matchy-Matchy
Sometimes customization isn’t mechanical.
Sometimes it involves fabric.
Far too much fabric.
The stroller is covered in a spectacular geometric print.
So is the woman’s jacket.
So are her trousers.
So is the little canopy.
And sitting inside are two miniature dogs wearing tiny coats made from exactly the same material.
There may be matching shoes involved.
Even the leash tucked into the storage basket coordinates.
Individually, every item is rather stylish.
Together, they create the visual sensation of somebody turning the pattern dial approximately four clicks too far.
And somehow she completely pulls it off.
That may be the most irritating part.
The Final Boss
Eventually modifications stop being modifications and become engineering.
This stroller has everything.
Polished bodywork. Chrome wheels. Independent suspension. Heated seats. Lights. Mirrors. Storage compartments. A tiny dashboard. Cup holders. Speakers. Custom upholstery.
There may be a luggage rack.
There may be a personalized plate.
There are three dogs inside, each occupying their own beautifully upholstered seat.
Their harnesses coordinate with the stroller.
Their owner’s jacket coordinates with the harnesses.
Even the water bottles match.
It is difficult to determine whether this is still a stroller or whether somebody has accidentally invented an extremely small automobile.
Either way, everyone involved appears enormously pleased.
And really, that’s what matters.
The Retirement Package
Retirement was never going to slow them down.
If anything, it simply gave them more time to modify the stroller.
British racing green. Tan leather. Chrome wire wheels. A tiny windscreen. Proper driving lamps. Plaid upholstery. And, because apparently the dog may be spending the weekend in Monaco, a beautifully strapped leather suitcase.
The owners are equally well equipped.
Tailored clothes. Expensive sunglasses. Excellent shoes. A silk scarf catching the breeze.
They are somewhere north of seventy-five and moving through town with the confidence of people who have long since stopped asking whether something is appropriate.
Inside sits an elderly little terrier wearing goggles and a scarf.
He has absolutely no idea where they’re going.
He just knows they’ll probably be having wine when they get there.
Old, unbothered and travelling in style.
Bonus: The Fine Line 500
Of course they race them.
How could they not?
Once you’ve put drag pipes on one stroller, racing suspension on another and aerodynamic bodywork around a Maltese, eventually somebody is going to look around and ask the obvious question:
Which one’s fastest?
So imagine every ridiculous machine we’ve just met lined up across a beautiful park road beneath a banner:
THE FINE LINE 500
The hot-rod guy crouches on his rollerblades behind the French Bulldog.
The aerodynamic Maltese is strapped in and ready.
The off-road Yorkshire Terrier has somehow qualified despite running tires designed for mud.
The lowrider is sitting approximately two inches above the pavement.
The tank has no chance of winning but may simply roll through whatever gets in its way.
Helmets are mandatory.
For humans and dogs.
Spectators line the course.
Someone waves a little checkered flag.
The dogs look surprisingly competitive.
Except the Pomeranian in the luxury stroller.
He’s asleep.
Some people walk right up to the fine line.
Others put racing slicks on a dog stroller and see what it’ll do in the quarter mile.
